I don’t know what I want in sex
We're all so busy guessing what the other person wants, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Not to be dramatic, but being in consent with ourselves is EASILY one of the biggest game changers for great sex.
People rarely consider the idea of treating themselves consensually. They think consent is something we have to give/get from other people.
However consent starts with us. Do we listen to the inner voice that says YES, NO or I DON'T KNOW?
🧙🏻♀️ The two magic skills:
If we feel liberated enough to
👉🏽 ask for what we want; and
👉🏽 state our limits (i.e. stop, say no, change)
.........then we have an incredible PLAYGROUND to explore. We can rest into the present moment, the exploration, knowing we are giving with a full heart, trusting that we are taking responsibility for our pleasure and that we won't cross our boundaries. In other words, there is so much safety. From safety, comes unbridled pleasure!
Of course it's SUPER important to note that we are giving ample space for our partner to express their yes/no/maybe too (I explore this further down). After all, how many times have you found yourself over-thinking about what this person wants, whether you trust this person to stop when they want to etc....... But if we at least start by treating ourselves consensually, it becomes easier to treat others consensually.
💡 Guess what's even cooler?
If you harness the two magic skills, your partner will ALSO be able to relax and trust you so much more knowing that they don't have to second guess if you're enjoying yourself. REMEMBER THAT. They will still care about your pleasure, but they won't have to go into overthinking care-taking mode. It gives them more permission to just let go as well. So you being in self-consent, is actually benefiting them too.
👸🏼 How do we embark on the road of self consent?
IT ALL STARTS WITH CHANGING OUR BELIEFS.
We need to DEEPLY believe that self-consent is a GOOD THING. That it trumps the risk of hurting the feelings of our partner, etc. That it is not selfish. That it will HELP you have great sex. A lot of us live in fear, and override our self-consent, thinking it will somehow ruin the relationship, the moment etc. These beliefs are sadly doing more harm than good.
A big part of the work therefore is examining any negative beliefs or conditioning you have around being "bossy/directive" and saying "no/stop/pause". As long as you continue to believe these negative consequences, you will likely have a non-consensual relationship with yourself.
Ideally, you also want your partner to practice self-consent. While I am still getting better at self-consent, I remain quite sensitive to my partner's reactions to my no's and desires/requests. If they are appreciative and roll with it, it reinforces my self-consensual behaviour.
However, if they act rejected and victim-y, that is a sure sign I need to have a conversation about developing affirmative responses to my no's and desires/requests.
Once you can TRULY VALUE and celebrate self-consent, then you are waaaaaay more likely to voice your yes' and no's.
......WE MOVE ONTO THE HOW
Now that you truly believe you have a choice, we can talk about HOW to self-consent:
BUT before I get onto that here is one SUPER important tip.
Wanna know what it is?
Are you sure?
SLOW DOWN :)
I want to sing this a million times. Even when I slow down in sex, I REALISE I STILL GO BACK TO RUSHING.
If we slow down, we can pay attention to the yes/no signals coming up in the first place. We can actually feel more sensation. We are more present. We are more relaxed. We allow curiosity to come out. If I rush, I'm way more likely to override my needs/desires and go into my head. So you got it? Slow? Cool.
Ok back to the HOW of self consent 💁🏼♀️
As I've said before, the two skills in self-consent are:
👉🏽 asking for what you want (for YOUR pleasure);
👉🏽 stating your limits (i.e. say stop, no, change)
So, this is how I've split out my crib-sheet. Here are a few things you can say/do for each skill:
🐾 Asking for what you want
Validate and encourage excellent sexual behaviour (e.g. reward them when they do something that pleases you, verbally or non-verbally, with a lot of evident pleasure). Result? They know what you like, are more likely to do it next time, and nobody's confused about whether you're consenting or not. Moaning, "I love it when you whisper in my ear", "Your tongue feels amazing" "Keep doing that"
But also if something hurts, or you want to change positions/get more lube/whip out a toy/make them go harder/whatever, it's important to speak up.
Making statements of desire as part of your dirty talk "I really want to get on top of you" "I want you to undress me" "Kiss my nipples" Say my name"
Being instructional with your feedback "down a bit" "a little softer" "oh yeah, just there"
🐾 Saying no / pause / stop
Continually check in with yourself (ongoing consent remember?) and when you notice a limit you can say things like:
I'd love to slow down
Can we pause for a moment, I just want to look at you
Oooh I feel a little sore. I'd love you to spit on me / more lube
I'd love to but I'm feeling more in a slow sex mood (in response to a request)
Slowing down physically/stopping, closing your eyes, slipping out, and cuddling (showing non-verbal signs of wanting to pause)
Make your own list of how you like to say "no/stop/pause" with someone. I highly suggest practicing boundaries more regularly outside the sex container too, so that it becomes normalised and celebrated.
👯♂️ Once you've mastered self-consent, what about your partner?
We also have a responsibility to check in with our partner, and ensure that we give them the safe space to express their yes/no/maybe.
There is a middle ground between (1) silence & just assuming everything is consensual versus (2) talking about EVERYTHING before you do it 😅
🐾 4 ideas for creating the space for your partner to self consent:
Read anything other than an active yes, as a no. For example:
I’m not sure,’ ‘Not now,’ ‘This isn’t my thing,’ ‘I’ve got a partner,’ ‘Maybe later,’ ‘I’m afraid you’re not my type,’ ‘I’d rather be alone right now,’ ‘Please don’t touch me,’ ‘I really like you but …,’ ‘Let’s just go to sleep,’ ‘This isn’t what I want right now,’ ‘I’ve got to get up early,’ ‘You’ve been drinking,’ ‘I’m a bit drunk,’ ‘I don’t feel too good,’ Silence.
Learn how your partner likes to communicate non-verbally, which allows you to tune into their enjoyment/non-enjoyment more subtly (how is their eye contact, the noises they make, their breathing, how passive or active they are).
Check in with them intermittently, how is this for you? Would you prefer faster or slower? Gentle or more pressure?
You can make consent part of the sexiness, by getting your partner to really beg before you do something to them.
💬 CONCLUSION
The art of making consent sexy comes down to making it fun and playful, without compromising the integrity of the process. It’s a dance of asking for what you want, while holding space to hear and say something other than yes. It’s about creating an opportunity for both (or all) parties to offer what they are into, and what they’re not, while not making any of it wrong
Remember: Knowing how to ask for consent isn’t optional. It’s an essential sex skill. Before you try to figure out how to give him/her an orgasm, how to eat pussy or blow someone pleasurably, you need to know how to make sure they're even okay with you trying any of that.
