What Dating is like for Men
Ah. The pressure to be the ‘hot, confident, playful guy who has his shit together’.
I’ve had so many male clients share the SAME pressures & insecurities, that I really wanted to capture it in ONE PLACE -so you can read this and be like OMG. I’m not alone. (And women be like, “omg - I didn’t realise most men experienced this!”)
For a long time, I’ve observed a lot of female challenges:
”Why can’t I find a man to commit with?”
”I don’t know what I want in sex”
”I wish he could empathise with my emotions, instead of trying to fix me” ”I just don’t feel like initiating sex, am I broken?”
”It feels scary to ask for what I want”
”I feel so out of touch with my pleasure”
”I just want to feel desired”
But I’ve simultaneously felt a soft spot for conscious men in the dating world, who really want to build their confidence.
They all talk about this PRESSURE to play the game. To…..pay the bill, make all the decisions, have all the moves, initiate at the RIGHT time, be funny, be confident & cool, be chiselled & muscular.
Just reading this ➡️ feels like like an absurdly high bar. 😱😱 It’s too much. And honestly all the wrong metrics for what women really want.
(and if you DO find women who need all these criteria met, then ….. is that really a good match? Do you want someone who appreciates your heart & mind, or someone who appreciates your wallet & looks? 🙄)
But I get it. Being a man DOES bring a certain level of challenge that we can’t ignore. But I’m here to help you adjust the dating game, so that you feel grounded in who you are WITHOUT trying to play a game!
Case Study #1 - I fall into platonic connection quickly
Most things in my life are great - my hobbies, kids, friends, work…. But the one area of my life that suffers, is dating and intimacy. I struggle to connect intimately with others and I struggle to see myself as a s*xual & attractive being. I end up suppressing my desires, but it’s too big a part of me to shut down completely. However much I try to keep my chin up, there is sadness & frustration. When I go on dates from apps, the connection doesn’t last, or goes platonic because I can’t express my real desires.
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Case Study #2 - I fear rejection and become Mr Nice Guy
I want to meet more women and have the courage to ask them out (without using pick-up artist tactics). But I struggle to express interest, when Western culture portrays men as “s*x-crazed”. I fear getting rejected if I ask, or making a woman feel uncomfortable. Either I freeze, or I become “Mr Nice Guy”. I feel like I have to say the right thing & prove myself. I fear being seen as a failure, weak, undesirable….or the weird creepy guy.
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Case Study #3 - Pressure to perform in s*x
I am often distracted from my own pleasure and wants during s*x, because I am busy trying to make sure my partner is pleased. But I feel inadequate constantly - is it enough? Do they like it? I think there’s a lot of pressure around how s*x should be, especially with messages like “conquest is king” “I must be rock solid”. I put on a show of being in-control, competent, and experienced. I rarely stop and think “what about my pleasure?”, and if my s*xual partner asks “can I do something for you?” I don't really know what to say…..except "just enjoy yourself".
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Case Study #4 - I don’t feel authentic in my connections
I feel a bit meh about relationships in general. Even though I have met some wonderful people, I don’t feel like I can be fully authentic. I end up feeling obligated to stay with someone, and be who they want me to be, but I don’t feel clear on what I want. I tend to shy away from the full extent of what interests me, and end up restricting myself/feeling afraid. If I’m not in the mood for sex, I’ll probably still go along with it because I feel the pressure to (as a man maybe?) even though I am distracted and conflicted. I just want to feel clear in my desires.
Do you see yourself in one or more of these? Now, these are not RARE accounts. I hear multiple versions of these stories, again and again.
So what’s my process? How do I support my clients in this?
Well, I ended up developing this methodology, below. 👇🏼 I hope it helps you breakdown the key patterns to address, and how you might help yourself on this journey:
1. Out with the old, in with the new! I help men get super clear on what they think they NEED to be. What’s the image they need to project? Usually 👉🏼 muscly, wealthy, has his shit together, crazy sex drive, amazing orgasm giver…(amiright??). I help them see all the sexy things that women ACTUALLY want and work on THOSE. Instead of the superficial things they identify.
2. Get clarity on your desires. What do YOU want, what kind of s*x? What kind of a relationship? Who are you? Let’s turn the mirror on you, and equip you with awareness of your desires. And really stand by yourself. Rather than trying to fit into some mould of who you THINK you should be. You don’t need to change. In fact, it’s sexier when women can feel YOU in a connection.
3. Let’s get silly & flirtatious! We cannot explore playfulness without exploring boundaries. We’ll get comfortable with rejection through role-plays & improvisation—— you can trust me to give honest feedback 1:1. I encourage you to stay present with your experience - and hold differences in our needs. Learn to trust my boundaries, so you can relax and take risk!
4. Slowing down: We explore the use of slowness, silence and present moment relating together in connection! We share candid desires & candid curiosities …. it’s one of my favourite ways to flirt honestly and it requires zero need to ‘show off’.
5. I expose you to all things s*x - I invite you to describe your deepest fantasy, your masturbation, your dirty talk, your sexual desires, and I will celebrate & normalise ALL OF IT. I give you feedback on how it lands. And most importantly, you feel PERMISSION. Permission to explore s*x on your terms, permission to be submissive & feminine, permission to step into that wild animal in the bedroom…..whatever your flavour is. Let’s remove shame around s*x.
6. Giver to Receiver: We move you away from being the ‘deliverer’ of pleasure all the time…..to being able to RECEIVE pleasure. There is nothing sexier than a man that can surrender, take a compliment, receive the gift of touch…. If you’re always giving, your giving isn’t very clean. Trust me.
7. Parts-Mapping: if you have parts of you that over-analyse, approval-seek, hide, get self critical, judges others - let’s get to know them! How do some of these parts show up & run your dating life? Learn to notice when they’re present so you can address these parts with kindness, instead of trying to be someone you’re not.
8. Once we explore all this, sex stops becoming this thing that you need for approval and validation. Your desires stop coming from a desperate, grabby energy. (We can tell if you’re getting carried away in a fantasy of us 😉). Instead, you start to feel more present-focussed, grounded, excited, and able to receive a no……. without taking it personally! AND THAT’S HOT. THAT’S ATTRACTIVE. It gives space for our desire to breathe. It gives space for YOUR desire to breathe.
And that’s why I have a delicious Dating Confidence programme for men. It’s a 1:1 coaching programme over 2 months to walk you through all these pillars. So you find flirting, s*x & dating easier, and less pressureful.
I really want you to feel that being YOURSELF is what is ACTUALLY attractive. ♥️
You’re welcome to book an initial free call with me to find out more.
