1 important lesson that saves most arguments

So … I had a fight. 

If you are like me, you might fall into a pattern of self-analysing  after a conflict (“omg I should stop outsourcing my worth to my partner, and examine my relationship to my needs and my mother wound etc”). 😆

Or you might be the opposite- where you’re like “omg my partner needs to get a THERAPIST. Pronto. 💁‍♀️”

In simple terms, it's either “I'm at fault” or “You're at fault”.  And this paradigm is a never-ending rabbit hole that is neither effective NOR PLEASANT. 😅 There is literally no winning involved for anyone. 

I'm gonna share a personal story to illustrate: 

👉🏼 HOW you can spot this happening (it's SUBTLE!)
👉🏼 WHY it happens, and 
👉🏼 WHAT the f*ck to do about it 

…… so you ALL GET TO WIN. 🏆🏅

IT'S STORY TIME. 📖  Yayyyyy.

Chapter 1: My Classic Trigger

SO, one day I'm in Berlin – on the phone with my love (Nic). 🤳🏽 And I start sharing some insecurities about poly stuff (no surprises there). 

I didn't feel like Nic was being present to listen and make space for my feelings. My “assessment” was that he was in a different mood & not wanting to be burdened by Miss Poopy Pants (me) aka ……. my drama, my sad feelings & my needs. 

This is a bit of a classic trigger for me, cos I've always thought “I'm a bit of a problem child”. And when I don't feel like my big feelings are being enthusiastically welcomed (lol), I start gaslighting myself, and wishing I wasn't so “sensitive and needy”. (I'm familiar with this trigger pattern).

I ended the call in tears, struggling to accept reality. I had stories that Nic wasn't direct about his capacity to listen to me. I wished I didn't need anything from him, and I felt helpless & angry.

So what did I do? 

1️⃣ FEELING: I spent some time feeling my pain, crying and talking to my inner child. She was crying over all the times her fears and needs were not taken seriously by mum and dad.

2️⃣ VALIDATING: I spent time welcoming the existence of my needs. After years of calling myself ‘needy', I like to teach myself that my need for attention or empathy isn't wrong or sensitive! It's beautiful.  Whether I get the need met is another matter, but I can celebrate having the need.

3️⃣ MAKING A REQUEST: After that, I started to feel more regulated. I wanted more clarity on what had transpired…. (I like doing ‘post mortems’ 💀 on communication breakdowns-- it helps me understand and learn for future!). So I invited Nic to a follow-up conversation the next day.

What transpired was such an important reminder & lesson, that I wanted to share with you here 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼 
 
Chapter 2: The Post Mortem 

Let's say you’re hurt (by your partner's behaviour), and you want your partner to empathise with your pain.

You summon up the courage to share  ….. but when the words come tumbling out, one of two things happen: 

📝 Scenario A: You deliver the message in a way that's subtly accusatory. For example: “Do you not understand how much pain this caused me? I feel hurt and disappointed by what you've done!". Here, your partner doesn't feel invited to empathise with you – and instead feels “backed into a corner”.  ✋🏼 

ORRRR

📝 Scenario B: Your message is delivered with love, but your partner hears a different message. They hear a DEMAND. Why?

Because they've had countless conversations in the past, where people have asked them to do something, and if they didn't “comply” this person would punish them by sulking, icing out, or lashing out.
 

In other words, they're carrying decades of pain & associations of requests being demanding, threatening, punishing. How awful is that? 

If the latter has been the case, then your partner will continue to hear feedback as a demand …..  BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE USED TO. 👀😬
 

In both cases your partner hears your request and thinks 🚨🚨🚨 “Danger! Danger!” 🚨🚨🚨. They start to recoil and feel guarded. They might unconsciously think: “I’m going to be punished if I don’t do as I’m told. I resent being in this position. I feel stuck".

In order words, your partner feels coerced into changing their behaviour (in order to stay in connection).

And yes, this often happens subconsciously where neither partner is aware of this dance. (My hope is that next time you WILL, having read this newsletter 👀💁‍♀️)

Chapter 3: The Incongruence 

So now what? Well, if you're lucky, the partner receiving feedback (Nic in this case), might SAY “Hey, I hear you” (and empathise). 

…… but their BODY is tight & contorted because they're ACTUALLY feeling controlled, criticised and made wrong. 

There’s so much INCONGRUENCE (between words & body).

(The other option is that they retaliate & get defensive)

AND I COULD FEEL THAT INCONGRUENCE. I wanted curiosity and empathy. But I could feel Nic was detaching and not quite receiving my words with an open heart. Which of course reinforced my whole belief that I am being too much, too needy etc.

When we unpacked this later, we realised that Nic did indeed interpret my ask as a ‘demand’. Partly because I had used some words that contributed to the request feeling like a ‘demand’…. and partly because he was tired (which can cloud our perception).

When I heard his side, I took a deep breath. 

It was so relieving to hear. I felt so much empathy for him. And it was a relief to the parts of me that gaslit all my needs. It also made me remember that it takes two to create a dynamic, and this paradigm of “I'm at fault” or “You're at fault” is really never true (or helpful).

Chapter 4: So, How to Deal With This?
 If you’re CATCHING this dynamic (I call it the ‘shame dynamic’), you can ask for the following: 
 

👉🏽 What causes your partner to HEAR blame? In this case, Nic noticed that the words “disappointment” and me “adjusting expectations of him” made him feel like he was failing as a partner.
👉🏽 Ask them: “What could I say or do, that would help you hear me with more ease/less guardedness?”
👉🏽 Ask them to flag - in the moment - if they hear your words as coercive or shaming (so that you can adjust your language, or indeed reassure them that you fully celebrate their ‘no'). 

This last point is powerful because it's creating a corrective experience. It helps your partner to create new data, to hear requests as loving & full of choice – rather than demanding & punishing. 

Isn't that cool?! Relationships are so healing. 
 

I share this with you in the hope that it sparks some of your own reflections! ✨✨✨

Chapter 5: What if I wanna be a PRO? ;)

If you want to get real good at identifying your trigger patterns, and leaning into discomfort with curiosity and empathy - we'll be focussing on exactly this in our programme called ‘Transform Conflict into Connection’. It begins with a 3-day weekend intensive November 2024 in London, followed by 4 weeks online. (Check the P.S. for an offer!)

I wish for everyone to learn how to communicate their truth with love. The truth is WE'RE NOT PERFECT friends or partners. As much as we try, 😛 we f*ck up. Relationships are MESSY.

And the secret not so secret ingredient to help us show up for one another, is in our repair & communication skills. ❤️

I hope to see you there.

P.S. We’re currently offering a 2 for 1 on this course, to encourage you to do this with loved ones. Please email me at hello@haneenkhan.com if you’re interested in this.