How to make casual sex work for you
1️⃣ How do you define casual sex or casual relating?
I would start by saying it’s important to make your own definition. 😈Have you ever checked out a relationship smorgasbord?! Click on the link to see what needs would be excluded in a casual relationship for you! For example is emotional intimacy excluded? Is romance excluded? Is friendship excluded?
What DOESN’T define casual dating, for me, is feelings. You can still have plenty of love & emotions in casual sex.
It’s also not length of time you’re seeing someone. You could be life long f*ck buddies.
What determines casual relating for me is the absence of BUILDING. In other words, I don’t plan to buy a house with them, build a business, share finances and have kids with them. But that’s just me. So I invite you to think about what casual is TO YOU & what you actually WANT from casual. And when you know, it also means you can COMMUNICATE this & see if you’re on the same page.
I had a clumsy beginning to casual relating. I realised what I wanted was friendship (conversations & fun activities together) + sexual intimacy, but never an expectation of sex (interestingly!). And because I wasn’t CLEAR of these desires, I ended up in a few situations where I felt resentful because I didn’t communicate my needs. So defining your needs in casual relating, to start with, is my first tip!
2️⃣ What has been the most empowering aspect of casual sex for you?
Having many casual encounters enabled me to build confidence in my body and my sexuality. I had many conversations with many men around sex. Overtime, I received a lot of compliments about my openness, about my tiny breasts, about my playfulness - it has stuck with me all this time.
I developed a lightness around sex that felt refreshing, I could experiment with my desires & discover what I wanted, in a context that felt low stakes. And I felt ease talking about it so openly.
Through constant novel encounters, I had to rely on myself to be vocal about my desires, including whether I wanted something romantic or casual. I became super responsible for sharing my needs.
I have truly been able to de-script notions of what sex means, and debunk the “relationship escalator”. It also enabled me to be super present to a connection, because I can now flirt or have sex with someone without expectation. It doesn’t need to lead to anything. I no longer fear that someone might want something “casual”.
I have no hesitations in expressing attraction to a man or initiating a kiss. I am not beholden to the stereotype that “men should lead”.
SO YES! Casual sex has been mega empowering for me, BUT I also wanna acknowledge my privilege of being a relatively good-looking woman - which really does impact the positivity of my experiences! I can appreciate it is so much harder to navigate the casual space for men, as women are seen to hold the “keys” to sex. 🔑
3️⃣ Have you ever faced any negative consequences as a result of casual sex?
From my experience, I would be cautious of engaging in casual sex if:
You are doing it to avoid emotional closeness because you don’t believe you’re worthy of a life partnership (this was me!!!!)
You feel consistent regret afterwards, like you’ve crossed your boundaries
You’re not able to be truly yourself during the encounter
You go into casual sex having an unspoken attachment to something longer term or serious!
4️⃣ How do you navigate boundaries and consent in casual sex?
First I would think about what helps YOU feel safe in casual sex to express your desires & your boundaries?
For me, it’s:
When my no is celebrated and encouraged :) i.e. the person doesn’t punish me (with silent treatment, guilt tripping, anger) when I say no! THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. I don’t want to feel wrong for saying “I’d love to pause”. Feeling pressure to do stuff isn’t sexy.
When someone goes slowly with their touch & escalation. They check in with me: “How does this feel?” “Do you prefer this touch or this touch?” “What’s present for you?” 👈🏼 (If you notice something is up) “Would you like X?” “May I nibble your ear….?”
When either of us brings up the safe sex chat (this is hot AF). If bringing it up ruins the moment, then it’s probably a good thing you didn’t have sex
When we are super honest about our intentions and needs, even if they don’t align!
Then, I also recommend the RBDSM chat which I describe at 21:08 - 23:45 of this interview I did.
5️⃣ What advice would you give to someone who is curious about casual sex/dating but hesitant to participate?
Learn your why - what do you want casual sex to give you? Be conscious of why you’re doing something.
Learn your wants & your no’s - what kind of casual relationship do you want, what helps give you permission to say no/pause/stop, what aftercare do you want …. are you able to give feedback in the bedroom about what you want? Etc.
Be aware that most people aren’t great at communicating their needs. So learn to get comfortable with opening up conversations around what kind of relating you want! Take initiative (lead by example!)
If you aren’t comfortable with this then you can practice this in any consent workshop, or by attending s/ex positive spaces! (Message me for recommendations in your local area) or attending any of my stuff! The reason I recommend this, is because it is hard to practice this kind of conscious communication with people who aren’t used to the consent culture.
If you’re feeling daring, I would go to sex temples if you feel ready. These are practical spaces where you can engage sexually (or sensually) with participants, after playing a bunch of consent games. It’s safe & tightly held (depending on the facilitator) and excellent practice in sharing your desires & boundaries with people.
In summary, I’M A BIG FAN of casual sex & dating. I share more in my video interview here on YouTube.
